Such is life

“The only wisdom,” Daddy said,

More than giving Kindles for reading, which I was nervous to use, and more than the many half-working laptops for a wealth of knowledge. 

More than giving packs of toothbrushes, the unspoken is already said, which is a constant reminder. 

He said it once, in one of the two arguments we ever had.

'Such is life' is the only advice Daddy has ever given and will ever give 

For he is dead; 

He is passed and gone. 

His words live on 

I carry him. 

I speak specks of him, for someone should know who he was.

I know your hobbies 

Calligraphy,

Drawing, 

Riding a motorcycle, 

I get my singing from you, something I told you on your deathbed. 

Writing, 

Being unburdened is not freedom but the massacre of half of my life. I don’t know the true you, and I never will.

Growing up, I only saw you on weekends. 

We often went to Chuck E. Cheese's. 

You were the fun one. 

As I got older, going to the grocery store and getting food

 For it was always Halal, something you refused to compromise on. Although I never saw your prayer. 

I couldn't talk about you because my mother hated you. 

I quieted the part of me that missed you until it was non-existent. 

I've forgiven Dad for my parents' divorce.

I forgive you for the distance. 

For not going to one parent-teacher conference and doctors' appointments. 

For knowing Mother is violent and doing nothing!

For moving to Florida. 

For leaving Grandma in that pit of a dungeon. 

For not questioning my safety.

Spending time with Dad was dreaded. 

You were so quiet, your life so secret, you disappeared.

My fears were never shared with you because I was afraid. 

You never talked of yours. 

You should have been someone I could confide in. 

Such is life, I guess… 

Such is life.

Having events take place around you instead of directing them, 

Right, Dad? 

Or letting go of things out of your control.

We were just getting to know each other.

My love for you had become apparent. 

A future without you is not something I can imagine. 

Although one I want to live through. 

What I know about you in life is that you loved your distance.

– Mariam