Would Loving Yourself Really Be Such a Crime?
Insecurities. Small battles we fight with ourselves every day. Reflections, on windows, an imperfect picture, painted across the tainted view you have of yourself. It’s silly. How you steal glances, like it is a forbidden romance, like loving yourself would really be such a crime.
Look at yourself, hold yourself, run your fingers across every single one of those stretch marks that adorn your thigh, looking like waves, shades, and hues across the skin that you can’t stop complaining about.
Speak, don’t be so afraid of what they might think, about what you have to say, because they are just human, you are just human, how different could you be? It's silly how many conversations I have had in my head, how many times I have stood up for myself, spoken out exactly what's in my mind, all in my head. You’ll find me ranting away, talking for hours but you’d never catch me talk about the things I’m afraid of. Those are conversations I have in my dreams, thoughts that will find themselves penned down somewhere in between a bunch of to-do notes on my phone. You are so busy being hard on yourself you would never notice the way your eyes light up when you talk about the things you are passionate about.
When I was little I was so insecure about having smaller breasts. Being a 13-year-old, growing up, while everyone around you is going through changes, at different paces, in different ways, it’s confusing. It’s like a trampoline that you aren’t sure about getting on. There is movement but you aren’t jumping, it’s someone else. Every small thing someone says affects you and you have no control over it. Maybe let go, maybe take a leap and jump, have fun, love the process, the highs, the lows. Because it won’t matter then, where the other person is or how high they jump, because you will be so busy loving yourself, handling your stumbles, celebrating the air. I wish I knew that then. Now I have come to love them, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Going to college is confusing, it’s hard sometimes, you aren’t sure if you are smart enough to pursue the field you choose for yourself, being surrounded by people who are so much smarter and more passionate about it, you feel like an imposter. Believing that I could do it too if I want, has always been a struggle. The more I think of it I realize the many times I let myself chicken out of conversations cause I didn’t know if I would just sound plain dumb. And I think that isn’t right.
Often you see someone, someone who is really the most amazing person and you wonder why they aren’t sure about themselves. You see them constantly and think of how they have the most perfect life, sometimes awed by the way they just live life, sometimes envying how sorted out they seem.
That’s the funny thing about insecurities, you don’t realize that it's all in your head, that everyone has them. You think the world puts you under a microscope analyzing every single flaw of yours, so you shun yourself into a void of self-questioning and forget that they are busy, busy fighting with themselves.
Their problems might seem smaller than yours, insignificant but that doesn’t mean they don’t have them. If all of us just took a step back, looked at the big picture, saw how everyone is so unique, like a snowflake glistening away in the sunlight, we’d know that the world just needs a big ol’ hug and a small smile of appreciation. Throw some love to others but most importantly to yourself. Look at the mirror, look at all the scars that are just a reminder of everything you went through, they might be from the day you played so long your mother had to literally drag your ass back home, it might be from the day you fought hard when that stranger of the bus tried to touch you inappropriately, they might be from the time you pinched yourself to sleep because you couldn’t bear to feel the pain you felt mentally. They are a symbol of your perseverance, flaunt them like medals of honour.
Look at every insecurity of yours that is tangible and realize that they are what makes you different, and if there is something you want to change, go ahead and do that, do it because it will make you feel better about yourself, and not because it will help someone perceive you in the way they’d like, that’s their problem and this is one place where you shouldn’t have to please everyone over yourself.
Love yourself. It's literally just that, however hard it may seem, however vulnerable you may feel to let your charming wonderful and raw self out there. 'Cause the world would be boring if we all became that one picture-perfect description of a human being :’)